The Truth About Abusers. – How to recognize an abuser and what to do about it.

The Truth About Abusers.

– How to recognize an abuser and what to do about it.

• Abusers feel powerless, so they search for a victim they can exert power over.
• The abuse could be emotional (manipulation and verbal), financial (economic), physical, sexual or all four.
• They usually isolate their victim from family and friends.
• An abuser will act the part of ‘Mister nice guy’ until he or she is confident their victim cannot leave them.
• The abuser could be a parent, a partner or even an employer.
• Placating an abuser to reduce tension rarely works; the abuse almost always continues.

Millions of incidents of domestic violence are reported every year. The victims are both men and women, although most perpetrators are men.

One-third of women and one-fourth of men will have reported experiencing some sort of domestic violence, and for one-fourth of women and one-seventh of men, it’s severe. (Ref: NCADV.org.)

However, the real numbers of abuse are unknown as many, if not most go unreported. For those victims the abuse continues, with no off ramp.

Abuse within a family or relationship eats away at the victim’s confidence and self-esteem. The effects are long-term and can take longer to recover from than physical violence.

Violence includes throwing or breaking things, slapping, shoving, hair-pulling and forced sex.

The abuse almost always takes place behind closed doors.

• Abusers justify their actions to themselves.
• Abusers deny their actions to others.
• Abusers blame the victim. It is always someone else’s fault.
• Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.
• Abuse damages the victim’s own self-esteem.
• The abuser needs to always be ‘right’. No compromises.
• The abuser needs to feel in control.
• The abuser is compulsively possessive..
• The abuser will usually try to isolate their victim from friends and family.
• The abuser is hypersensitive.
• A gun in the house increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent.
• Alcohol consumption and drugs are associated with two-thirds of domestic violence.

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The abuser feels powerless. They are often bullies. They feel a need to have power and control over their victim. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of their sporting and career success. To them, all relationships are a win-lose game. They think they should always win and you should always lose.

They often have the following personality profile:

• The abuser is struggling, and ultimately fighting a losing battle with themselves.
• Hypersensitive
• Unrealistic expectations of a relationship.
• Often jealous.
• Verbally abusive.
• Needs to always be right, and in control.
• May try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
• Has a history of aggression.
• Is cruel to animals and/or children.
• Refuses to accept responsibility for their words and actions.
• Blames their behaviour on others.
• Suffers from untreated mental health problems including anxiety and depression.
• May be suicidal.

Most victims of abuse respond in a rational way: They explain themselves and believe that the abuser is listening and understands. However, the abuser only thinks they have control.

Most victims do the opposite and placate and appease an abuser to deescalate tension and the risk of harm. It rarely works, and abuse typically continues.

Instead, do not engage with the abuser in a typical way – it wont work.

You can throw them off guard by responding in an unpredictable way, such as with humour, which throws them off-guard. You can ask for, no demand, the behaviour you want, set limits, and confront the abuse. Remember, they have the low self esteem.

If you’ve experienced violence—and that includes shoving, hair pulling, or destroying property—it’s essential to get support and learn how to set limits.

Abusers deny or minimize their bad behaviours and may claim they can’t control themselves. This is not true. They pick and choose who they will abuse.

They aren’t abusive with their boss—because there would be consequences to that behaviour.

They blame their actions on their victim, implying that it is the victim that needs to change. They need to hold a mirror to their face as they say that.

Sometimes, the threat of violence is all the abuser needs to maintain control of their victim. A word or body language might be all they need once they have trained their victim to comply.

Victims learn to recognize the ‘signs’ that usually indicate what is about to happen.

I have had clients come to me for therapy to break the cycle of abuse and violence.

Soon after I qualified, I met a lady socially through friends who commented ‘all men are abusers’. I asked her why she said that, because I knew it was not true for most other people.

She told me that her father abused her and her mother, but not her brothers. They grew up to become abusers themselves. Every man she met and had a relationship with was an abuser.

I invited her to try some therapy with me to disconnect those past experiences from her present and future. It worked. Her next relationship was the opposite of everything she had previously experienced.

Another lady told me that due to a business contract she could not leave her abusive partner, so we disconnected her reactions to the ‘signs’ from him and incorporated new behaviors within her instead. In other words, we installed a new strategy in her. In that way she did not react to his previous strategy. She ignored him.  It worked. She had the power. He panicked and repeated his strategy over and over, yet she ignored him and did not react.

There are many reasons why victims stay in an abusive relationship. The dominant reason is dependency: Control by the abuser, shame about the abuse, and the dysfunctional nature of the relationship lowers the victim’s self-esteem and confidence and often causes the victim to withdraw from friends and family, creating even more fear, and dependency on the abuser. The abuse is experienced as an emotional rejection with the threat of being abandoned. This triggers feelings of shame and fears of both more abuse and abandonment in the victim. There are some good times between episodes of abuse.

Abusers can have a ‘Jekyll-and-Hyde'[ personality. Dr. Jekyll is often charming and romantic, perhaps successful, and makes pronouncements of love. You love Dr. Jekyll and make excuses for Mr. Hyde.

Victims also stay for the following reasons:

• Nowhere else to live.
• No outside emotional support.
• Childcare concerns.
• Accepting blame for the abuse.
• Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing the abuse.
• Low self-esteem and confidence.
• They think they love the abuser.

If you’re a victim of abuse;

• You feel ashamed.
• You have been humiliated.
• Your self-esteem and confidence have been undermined.
• You hide the abuse from people close to you.
• You protect the reputation of the abuser and because of your own shame.
• An abuser uses tactics to isolate you from friends and loved ones by criticizing them and making remarks designed to force you to take their side.
• You’re either for them or against them. For the abuser everything is black and white. There are no shades of grey.
• If the abuser feels slighted, then you have to take his or her side, or you’re befriending the enemy. This is designed to increase control over you and your dependence upon him or her.
• Open bank and credit cards in your own name.
• Have a safe place to go with a friend or relative.
• Have a bag packed at that place with necessary valuables and important legal papers, passport, bank information, credit cards, phone book, and money.
• Also, pack clothes for your children and some toys.
• Alert neighbours to call the police if they hear loud noises or suspect danger.
• Make extra car and house keys. Hide a car key outside so you can get away.
• If there is a weapon in the home, remove it. (In Australia police are required to seize weapons and guns in the possession of people convicted of domestic violence)
• Remember, by not confronting abuse to avoid the risk of losing someone’s love, you risk losing your Self.

I knew a woman who quietly moved her valuables out of the house to a safe place over a period of weeks. When the day came, she was able to suddenly leave with a carload.

Another lady was thrown out of her home by her husband with only the clothes she wore. When her sons went to the home to retrieve some of her things her controlling husband refused entry and she never saw any of her belongings again.

It’s essential to build outside resources and talk about what’s going on in your relationship.

There are usually resources within your town or city.

Do this even if it means keeping a secret. You’re entitled to your privacy.

To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:

• Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise.
• Sees everything in back and white terms, with no shades of grey.
• Has outbursts of anger.
• Is rude to others.
• Criticizes you or your family.
• Is jealous or possessive.
• Is paranoid.
• Threatens you.

Pay attention to these signs despite the fact that the person is pursuing you and expressing love and affection.

An abuser won’t risk becoming abusive until he or she is confident that you won’t leave.

First, he or she will try to win you over and isolate you from friends and family. See if he or she respects your boundaries.

Often, violence doesn’t start until after marriage or the birth of a child, when you’re less likely to leave.

But it also can escalate when you try to leave. This is why it’s imperative to have a plan and support.